Julie Barstow
Today is hard. To say it is not would be misleading. My mom loved with such depth that everyone who knew her felt the power of it touch them. She was a mother to my brother and myself, but she also had countless students who she also cared for and mentored. She was a fierce advocate for those in need of help, but she did it in a calm and reserved way. Her adversaries never saw her coming, or maybe they did, but they still carried a respect for her even after she had her say. She was my cheerleader, she knew how to help me become not just successful, but to thrive, to grow , and to find happiness. If I asked for help, or even if I didn't, she would find solutions and resources for me to look at and consider. With every accomplishment of mine you can be sure she had a hand in making it possible.I miss her so much it is a physical ache. It comes in waves. A sudden memory hits and things come crashing down. How upon finding one of her favorite chocolate Easter treats in the freezer, realizing she only enjoyed one of them before she passed. It is the small things and it is the big things that hurt. Both of them hold equal weight in my grief. With every new experience the boys have, every new developmental accomplishment they make, and every picture I post on Facebook that she would have commented on, I miss her. I miss the way she found such happiness in my little boys' voices and smiles. Her grandchildren were her happy ending and brought her nothing but pure joy. I feel so cheated, not just for myself, but for my boys and niece and nephew who will have no memories of how deep their Grammy's love truly was. Because without experiencing it first hand, her ability to love is hard to comprehend.I would say I will follow in her footsteps but they are so overwhelmingly large that I fear I can't do her justice. I fear I can't do or be enough. I fear the failure. I know if she were here she would validate my feelings and then somehow instill in me the confidence to go forward and succeed in my coming challenges. I just hope I can do it on my own because now I have no other choice.