Philip Rote
The Long Goodbye
I’ve been running on two cylinders instead of six but I finally think I’m surfacing and the lights are coming back on. Amazed and still processing how our heart and mind function in unison with trauma, As I’m finally now able to accept…….. my Mom is gone! she passed away August 19th.
Your world really does change permanently. I had to create a mantra: “We’re just paused!” or “Whatever I do today or tomorrow will not change the reality that she is no longer here.” I say it like I’m working beads on a rosary, and a memory comes to mind the way I watched my Grandma Rote work them almost like a auctioneer when she babysat us.
Mind, Heart, and Soul, such a trifecta, usually handled one at a time in a crisis…. but shittt when all three come into play it became an untapped field I’ve never had the chance to play on.
I didn’t want to put the words down at the moment it happened, lord knows I tried and fumbled, it was too permanent grief stricken and final. And I know I’m fortunate to get 58 years but guess what I’m a greedy boy and I would've taken so much more!
I was adopted since I was a few days old, my birthday is the same as my Mom, and it cemented something special for us right from the start.
Back then parent’s had to let the child know they were adopted, so she would always ask me when company was visiting "Tell them what you are, and I would answer, and Mom would say and what does that mean, and I would answer because I was chosen.”
Mom and I always had this unbreakable bond, the same humor and outgoing persona, I wouldn’t be the artist, animal advocate, and the successful man I am today if not for all of the million careful maneuvers she kept lovingly doing all my life for a very sensitive boy or later found the term empathic.
Behind every successful man….. hahaha right? As I grew up and discovered all the things I would become, I expanded her horizons, and what was at times a struggle, Love always won out.
We talked almost every day, from the mundane, recipes, to a life in motion, and then, there it was! We became best friends… And while I progressed in this very volatile field of Fine Art she was always my advocate and warrior.
As I reflect on our time even though not blood related, I am my Mom, Nancy Carol Rote. She bestowed the best of who she was on me, from her mannerisms, sense of humor, always a running joke between us and laughter… so much joy, happiness, and the indomitable ability for compassion and belief in the goodness of humanity.
Hmmmm…. I am paused with Nancy, but I now realize I’m not just honoring all that she was, I'm continuing all that she gave to me, the indelible mark she left is inherent in my actions and the words of kindness she always spoke. Hmmmm…. pause…. Behind every successful man…. Goodbye Mom You were soooo Loved and now terribly missed…... The Silence Is Deafening…….. Your Son And Best Friend
Philip Rote